Truth.
My word of the year was truth.
My word of the year was fucking TRUTH!!!
I had envisioned it to be a year where I was able to dig deep into my core and find my truth… and speak my truth, and embody the full truth of who I am.
I got what I asked for.
I didn’t think that I’d find my truth by being ripped to complete shreds until there was nothing but ME left. But I wonder how else I would have found it? Maybe it was always meant to happen that way.
I’m talking layers of traits and projections and things that I thought were part of me, that actually weren’t.
All that’s left is truth.
I barely recognise myself. I guess that’s what I wanted.
51/52: REFLECT
2021 gave me a lot. The usual efforts to become a better me. Dreams of creating and releasing something magical in the world, only for it to disappoint me - like usual. An ADHD diagnosis. Mum leaving the house for a nursing home. Kids major growth. I turned FORTY! I had an epiphany, that I don’t need to reach for a version of me that already exists within me. Swiftly followed by the ripping out of my heart. Like a storm cloud appearing out of nowhere, a future I had envisioned was stolen from me. And then my eternal hope, replaced by grief.
2021 doesn’t end on a high. There is no redemption arc. It’s just what it is. As 2022 looms closer, the black fog remains
50/52: TRY AGAIN (revisit a photo that didn't turn out the way envisioned)
Back in week 18/52 the theme was HOME. I took a photo of me and Jonathon sitting on the couch. I said that wherever he was that was home. I said that he was home in person form. I said he was my anchor and grounding force.
In September, I lost my home.
And so I had to find it within myself.
The amazing thing is, it was there all along. Within me.
I used to think I would be off with the fairies if it wasn’t for him. But the truth is, I’m more grounded than I’ve ever been. Why? Because I’m relying only on myself and not someone else. That kind of strength is incomparable.
Wherever I am, is home. I AM HOME.
49/52: IN YOUR SHOES (WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU?
Honestly, I don’t wish for anyone to know anything about me that they haven’t taken the time to see already.
48/52: HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
My whole world is crumbling around me. I don’t know where I am or where I’m going. I don’t know who I am. Who am I without him?
My heart feels like it’s been ripped from my chest and shattered into a million pieces. I try to grasp onto something, anything to hold me up, but my knees fall to the ground.
I’m feeling lost, shocked, betrayed, confused, embarrassed, rejected, scared, hopeless.
My soul tells me that I will rise, that I will soar, but I fear it only says that to trick me into standing. But I don’t want to stand, another blow will surely kill me. So I stay on the floor… curled up like a child, eyes squeezed shut, palms over ears, protecting myself from the truth of it all.
What is the truth?
My husband doesn’t love me anymore.
47/52 : GRATITUDE
I’m grateful for the return of my love. My heart sings. I don’t take this lightly, I don’t take this for granted. I am grateful for the second chance to love you, to keep you, to begin to rebuild our lives together.
46/52: SOMETHING YOU'VE DONE THAT'S SURPRISED YOU
I used to be adamant that I would absolutely despise an office/admin job. I thought it would be boring to sit in the same spot and stare at the screen, doing god knows what boring tasks every day. But then I was offered a chance to learn the admin at Tahune and my ADHD brain loved it.
I have never been a green thumb. I’ve killed more plants than I dare to admit. Yet, in 2020 I just decided that I wanted house plants, and now I have over 20… and most of them are doing alright.
I didn’t think I would be able to live a day without my husband, let alone try and navigate a future without him by my side. And yet, here I am almost 5 weeks into our separation… still breathing, still smiling, still finding things to be excited about.
So yeah, some things I have thought I’d never do, yet surprisingly have done okay-ish. It kinda makes me wonder what other things I have written off without giving myself a chance to even try.
45/52 : COMFORT
Comfort comes in many forms for me, but recently I’ve been turning to one thing more often. Myself. That inner voice.
I find her in silence. In meditation, in journaling, in tarot, oracle, and empowerment cards.
She comes to me when I allow myself to enjoy things. Cups of tea, music that gets me grooving, playing with my voice and my movements, making myself look nice.
My inner voice comforts me because she tells me I’m strong. She tells me that good things are here and more are on their way. She tells me that everything will be okay. And, wow, I believe her. That’s the amount of comfort she gives — that I actually believe my inner voice.
44/52 : RAW/BARE/VULNERABLE
Why is it so scary to bare your soul? For me, it’s because everything has been put out there — every piece of who you are unhidden and ready to be looked at. What will people find if they are really looking at me, all of me? Will they see something they don’t like? Will they feel the need to tell me what is wrong or broken or silly or yuck? Will I be ignored? Laughed at? Talked about secretly?
Once something vulnerable is out there, you can’t take it back. You can’t cover it up and pretend it hasn’t been said or done.
And so really, as Brene Brown says it, vulnerability is strength. It has to be. To show people parts of you that you’ve once kept in the shadows, to show fear, to show love, to show brokenness… even though that something can be taunted... that is strength.
Knowing all of that, then, why not consider this: If it’s out there... if you’ve taken the step to share something that feels scary — it may as well be FULLY out there. Unapologetic. Daring. Brave. Passionate. Right? If it’s there regardless, then we may as well own it.
Right?
43/52 : FIND THE LIGHT
I’m drawn to the light like a freaking moth. It’s my instinct to look for the silver linings, the good amongst the bad, the solution to the problem. For a little while now, I’ve been stuck inside a dark forest, shadows looming around me.
And yet, still, I find them. Those small glistens. The rays of sunshine. The goodness. Somehow, I still know it’s there, even if I can’t quite see it.
Every day more light comes. Every day I feel closer to the edge of the forest. I can sense the freedom, feel the warmth, see the glow.
And so, like a moth to a lightbulb I travel forward in search of it, leaving the darkness behind me.
“Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you.” - Walt Whitman
42/52 : HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
I’m not okay.
It’s a vast difference to the previous how are you feeling prompt, I know.
I’m stressed, anxious, on the verge of depression. I run on minimal sleep. I’ve lost ten kilos. I feel like my life is changing too fast, too soon. My heart is broken.
But please, don’t be worried about me. Because while I’m not okay, I also have the most wonderful support group around me, keeping me afloat.
Every now and then, I find pockets of peace… I hear that little voice telling me that “everything is going to work out just fine.” And I latch on to those thoughts.
So, no, I’m not okay. But I will be.
41/52 : FEAR
Very recently I have had to come to terms with one of my biggest fears becoming reality. When I say come to terms with… I haven’t. It’s impossible to comprehend. Facing it head on is literally the only option and yet, every single day it gets harder.
There’s a cloud bearing down on me, threatening to swallow me whole. Everybody tells me it will be okay, it will get easier... that I am stronger than I realise. But those words mean nothing when you’re watching your whole life changing right before your eyes and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
40/52 : WINDOW
The inside feels so small. It’s cramped. Every small detail becomes bigger than what it really is. Amplified. We attach ourselves to it, like it’s the only thing that matters.
Looking through the window at the expansive world of infinite size and infinite potential, it can bring hope. But it can also scare us. If we aren’t willing to take the step outside, holding tight to the small cave we’ve filled with darkness, we don’t want to escape. And then, we remain stuck, allowing a loop of despair to tell us that we won’t ever feel any different to this.
I want to step outside, to move forward, to breath new life into my lungs. But I won’t leave without you. And so I sit in the cave, in darkness, until you’re ready to leave - and we can step out together. Until then, I will look out the window, and hope.
39/52 : WHAT BOOK OR MOVIE CHANGED YOUR LIFE?
When I was 19 I read The Celestine Prophecy. I can’t really remember much of the storyline now, but I do remember how it made me feel. Something clicked within me like an aha moment. I felt as though the possibilities in life were endless. It made me feel like I had only just scratched the surface of what life was truly about. There was a moment in the book that described energy exchanges between humans and other humans, and between humans and nature. I still use that metaphor to understand my interactions with people.
Another book that changed my life in a more subtle way, was Little Women. It was one of the first novels I had ever read and it sparked my imagination. The first story in my head was an adaption of the setting… I played made-up scenes in my head on loop not really understanding that I was playing with my imagination… not understanding that later on in life, my developed imagination would take me to even further places.
The book in this photo is one of mine.
38/52 : PAUSE
I've taken quite a few moments to pause over this month. To stop and take stock of my life. A new wave of gratitude flows through me for what I have right now. Especially, for the ones I love.
How often we chase the big things only to miss the small things. And those small things, oh they are the best parts of life.
A sideways glance from my husband to say, "I get what you're saying." The sun peaking through the clouds on a miserable day. A giggle emanating from my son's room, about some meme he's found amusing. The way a stranger offers help to another stranger at the supermarket.
It's the little things that make life worthwhile. I've realised that a life made of thousands of those little things is worth more than any lofty dream I could ever imagine for myself.
And so, I pause, I take stock, and I'm so very grateful for what I have right here with me now.
37/52 : WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
People. In particular, people who live their lives unabashedly. Those who don't hesitate. Those who say yes to joy. Those who seem to find beauty in everything around them. Those who dance in the rain, even though they just styled their hair. Those who don't care about getting their best clothes dirty.
People who love fiercely, who live with gratitude and wonder, and who take nothing for granted.
That's the kind of person I want to be.
36/52 : EXPLORE
After my nan passed away last year, I had a really hard time dealing with my grief loop. The one thing that triggered my healing process was a walk.
Not just any walk. A walk through a track I’d never been before. Through trees and onto a set of beaches that took my breath away, and at the same time, healed my heart. It was the feeling of anticipation that got me; exploring places I’d never seen.
There was something liberating about being in fresh air, using my own senses to guide me. I didn’t know what I’d find. What was on the other side of the corner? Where would the path lead?
I came across a fallen tree. An obstacle. I climbed over it easily and continued on.
It started to rain. I embraced it.
The whole experience healed me. In one and a half hours, I was renewed.
I have some anxiety right now, so on the weekend I told my amazing husband that I wanted to go exploring (mainly because of this week’s theme). We went up Mt Wellington. I hadn’t been up there in years.
It was so damn incredible. You can see all of Hobart in one glance. Our sweet town in its quaintness, in its spectacular-ness. We are so lucky to call this place home.
The exploration didn’t quite hit the spot, this time. Probably because we’d been there before, I knew what to expect. But that’s okay, because there’s so so many places to explore here… and right now, I make a vow to myself—to my heart—to explore and to heal some more.
35/52 : HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
I’m feeling as though I’m in the midst of a breakthrough.
I was going to write something about being a butterfly, fully formed after years of being in the darkness, now breaking out of a chrysalis. But honestly, I’ve felt like that many times in my life.
So, maybe that’s the wrong metaphor. Maybe it’s more like a flower, slowly blooming—and with every petal that unfolds, I see more glimpses of who I truly am. But instead of one day becoming a fully formed flower, the petals continue to grow… like a perpetual never-ending evolution.
I've realised that growth doesn’t just stop when a new lesson has been learned. It’s the human experience to continually expand; and to find new parts of ourselves that we never knew existed. That’s my latest "aha" moment—something I knew already but didn’t KNOW until I felt it within my soul. Oh right, THAT’s what that truly means.
This new phase that I can feel pressing upon me, it calls me to just allow myself to just BE who I am. I’ve always been searching for more, yearning to do more and be more. I’m often so caught up in the to-do lists that I leave myself behind, I forget that I am enough already. Trying to be different that what I actually am—that takes a lot of energy. Only seeing what’s lacking in myself—well, that is freaking tiring. And, I know, my energy is now needed elsewhere.
I feel the call to stop striving for the “what comes next?” and just allow it to flow naturally. To simply “be” who I am. To implement. To surrender. To allow. To give. To teach. It’s been a looooong lesson.
Anyway, that’s how I’m feeling… like a flower always unfolding.
34/52 : REST
Hi, my name is Danielle and I don’t know how to rest properly.
Because of my inability to “get going” in the mornings, I tend to only find my groove after midday, sometimes not until mid-afternoon, sometimes not at all. And while the whole day may seem like it’s been one long day of nothing, rest is not a part of it.
My brain hasn’t stopped and my body is tightly wound. I spend half the day telling myself to move; giving myself to-do lists; berating myself for being lazy.
That isn’t rest. It’s procrastination. It’s executive dysfunction. It’s restlessness pretending to be rest - that cheeky bugger.
The problem is, when it is time to rest, when my body gives me signals to switch off from the world and truly have a day of self-care, I tell myself to suck it up and just get on with my day. I tell myself that because it looks like I’ve already rested. Because restlessness is such a good actor, that I believe it when it tells me it’s rest.
I think over time we have become so programmed to only allow ourselves to rest once we’ve been “productive”. Which is such a crock. I’d love that idea to be reversed. Rest first, then, once you’re rejuvenated you can be productive. That sounds so much better, right?
33/52 : CLOSE UP
Ok ok sure, I’ve done closer shots of my face. But not since I’m 40. So, here, let me introduce myself.
What? You know me already? Yes, probably. But honestly, I feel like I’ve had a rebirth of sorts. Maybe it’s the pink hair. Maybe it’s the best birthday ever. Maybe it’s because I decided that time flies so I may as well just freaking enjoy it… I may as well just be who I am.
Unashamedly.
I KNEW that mindset before. I preached that mindset before. But knowing it is a little different than feeling it. Now, I feel it. I embody it.
So let me introduce myself.
Hi, my name is Dani. I’m fucking fabulous and I’m ready for my close up, creases and all.
