The ideal version of ourselves

We all have this ideal version of ourselves. The person we want to be. They’re kind, patient, bold, rich, successful, calm, organised. They have better skin, better hair, better body. They live in a better environment. They say the right things at the right times. They’re just… better.

Most of the time, this version feels separated from who we really are, as though we are constantly chasing them — always a step behind. Sometimes, we catch glimpses of them. In moments when we let our true selves free.

But then we do something that isn’t kind, isn’t patient, isn’t bold, isn’t organised… and we tear ourselves down.

I mean, it’s human nature to evolve over time. Natural growth happens. We are all growing, all learning from our past choices and adjusting ourselves to become this better version. But the problem with this natural evolution is the frustration/guilt/sadness that comes with not being it yet.

And then starts the guilt and feelings of unworthiness.

The internal dialogue

Self-condemnation is real.

How many of you have gone through one day without saying something bad about yourself?

I hate the way I just acted, I’m a horrible person
I can’t believe I just snapped like that to my own child, what a bad mother I am
Eww, I’m going to need to put makeup on today, I feel so gross
Man, why couldn’t I have remembered to put the meat out to defrost earlier, I’m such a forgetful idiot
I could have done so much today if I wasn’t so lazy, what a waste of a day
Why didn’t I engage in that conversation like a normal human, I’m so awkward and weird

The internal self-talk starts and we get stuck in this spiral. “Well, of course I’m not that person. I suck. I’m so far away from that person I want to be it’s actually embarrassing.”

I mean, I get it, these feelings are normal—these emotional reactions are normal. We all do it. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to be a certain way. When we do things this version wouldn’t, or haven’t achieved the things this version should have, we beat ourselves up for it.

We are all human

But — big breath — it’s okay.

“We all have flaws. We all have qualities. We are all human.”

We all stuff up. We all trip. We all make mistakes. We all do things in our own time. We all over-react. What matters is what we do after the fact. How we treat ourselves and how we treat others in this self-realisation.

Choosing between self-loathing and practising self-acceptance

What happens next? Do we continue on the path of self-loathing or begin to practise self-acceptance? And I say practise, because that’s exactly what it is—a work in progress.

Do we take ourselves further down, repeating harmful put downs? “You’re unhealthy” “You’re unfit” “You’re a bad mother” “You’re lazy” “You’re so far behind everyone else”.

Or, do we decide to take some time to accept ourselves as we are in this very moment? I try and choose this option. And as I said above, we all stuff up sometimes. These options are always at the forefront of my mind. I’m constantly making the conscious choice toward self-acceptance. It’s a hard choice, but the best one.

What is self-acceptance?

On our quest for “self-betterment” the most important of all steps is self-acceptance.

When I talk about self-acceptance I don’t mean finding something you don’t like about yourself and giving up on changing it. Like, I don’t mean saying “I’ve applied for so many jobs and not one response, I’ll just have to accept that I’m unemployable.”

No. That isn’t what I mean about accepting yourself.

What I mean is, we need to accept ourselves for where we’re at right now.

I think we’re all perfect the way we are. Imperfect is perfect. And that’s where our self-talk needs to veer toward.

Here are 3 ways to practise self-acceptance

Use any or all.

Shift into a positive perspective
When this guilt and frustration and feeling of unworthiness flares up, we need to take a moment to heed the signals firing through our body. Our emotions are a regulator-—the “check engine” light. When we feel bad, it’s our body telling us that we need to take some time to rejuvinate and reassess.
We have the signal. Now what?
Change up your internal dialogue. Instead of getting down on ourselves, we need to shift it into gratitude.

Instead of saying, “I suck,” say, “I’m a work in progress.”
Instead of saying, “I’m lazy,” say, “I’m glad I listened to my body when it told me to rest.”
Instead of saying, “I’m such a bad mother for yelling at my kids,” say, “I’m grateful for these emotions that give me signs that something isn’t quite right within me.”

See where I’m going with this? It’s a slight change in perspective. That’s all it takes.
Align with your higher self
The biggest breakthroughs of my life happened in the still moments of alignment with my higher self. Now, this may seem cuckoo to some, but I want to give you all the tools I’ve learned… so here’s what I do.

I sit alone in a quiet room. All devices are away or turned off. I take a few deep breaths to centre myself and still my mind.
I close my eyes and imagine this ideal version sitting opposite me. I say something like, “I stuffed up. I was snappy to someone I care about.” Or, “I have these big goals and none of them have been met.” Then, and this is the kicker, I listen to how this better version of me responds.
Now remember, she’s calm and patient and kind and bold and everything I ever want to be (that’s what we need to give ourselves). So, she says things like, “That’s okay, you’re human. The fact that you feel guilty, shows that you care.” And, “Your productivity is not your worth. You are exactly where you need to be.”
When I start saying nice things to myself, I instantly feel better. The spiral is stopped in its tracks.
The best thing about the whole interaction is, when I open my eyes I realise that the whole time it was me. I have stepped into this ideal version of myself… I am her. Always had been. And she is always accessible to me, even when I feel less than.

Try it.
Use this mantra
I’ve saved the most powerful tool for last.
Take the thing that you’re down on yourself for, whatever is stopping you from truly loving yourself, and say this: “Even though I [insert your own words here], I fully and completely love and accept myself.”
Ouch. It pinches. Because in that moment we don’t feel lovable or worthy or living up to our potential.
Say it again.
Keep saying it, over and over until you feel the shift. It may hurt at first. And it does because something is moving inside you. We resist change for protection, but sometimes change is exactly what we need.
Push through it.
Say this mantra on repeat — a hundred times if you have to — until you truly believe it. I’ve cried doing it. Bawled, actually. But what happens is… you fully and completely love and accept yourself. It’s a great feeling. It’s a powerful feeling.
You forgive yourself for being human and you step into this truthful version of yourself that you’ve always wanted to be.

Even though I made a mistake, I fully and completely love and accept myself.
EVEN THOUGH I LIVE PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK, I FULLY AND COMPLETELY LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF.
EVEN THOUGH MY BODY DOESN’T LOOK THE WAY I WANT IT TO, I FULLY AND COMPLETELY LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF.
EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT WHERE I THOUGHT I’D BE, I FULLY AND COMPLETELY LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF.

We can’t all be born with it all

We can’t be born with complete self-awareness, self-control, and self-regulation. It all comes with growth. Next time you are mean to yourself, come back to these tools and they’ll make you feel a whole heap better about where you are at.